its quiet. i hate quiet times during deployments. they mean i actually have to think! why in the world would i want to think at a time like this? it makes me dwell on Jason being gone. yeah, I'm whining. I'm just tired of it being so quiet.
Deployments are hard. No fucking duh, right? Well i knew it would suck, i expected it to but I'm allowed to bitch. I'm good at bitching so why not use it when i can? Honestly, i am tired. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of the quiet. I'm tired of deployments. I'm tired of being the only who wipes tears and butts lol. i need my other half. its easier going through the day, dealing with fits and tantrums(two separate things thank you), changing butts, cleaning, cooking and all my other housewife things, when i know he will be home at the end of the day. I don't get to relax. I need a glass, hell, a BOTTLE of wine.
I want to scream. not because i dont want to take care of my children or my home but i want to sleep in or maybe take a nap. ohhhhhh not having to get up in the middle of the night would be nice. yeah, ill take a kid free night please, with a side of sleep in til noon. That would rock.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Grief
I have wanted to start a blog for some time. I never felt like anyone would care what i had to say but I have come to realize, it needs to do it for me.
I find myself sad. There is a part of me generally buried inside. I have suffered through losing a child. It is hard to explain such grief. Everyday, you wonder. What would he look like? Would he be happy? It eats at you, drags you down until there is nothing else you can focus on. You cant live fully because a piece of you has been ripped away.
I find that grief burns. Imagine a fire started in you heart that cannot be extinguished. It is always burning with slow intensity. It causes a damage that feels as if it will never heal. No matter how often you drown it with tears, it carries on, burning and leaving a path of destruction.
Many people try to pretend the grief isn't there as if they are ashamed to know someone with grief. People understand losing a parent. You grow up knowing that you will someday lose a parent. No one expects to lose a child. It takes the last of any innocence you had. It is often ignored, put aside as if people are afraid that your loss will stain them. Make them more susceptible to pain. It is hard for most to understand the pain. Unless you have lost a child, its incomprehensible.
I live. I have to living children to take care of. I take time to grieve when its needed but i cannot allow myself to wallow in grief because my children cannot suffer for something that cannot be changed. Sure i hold them a little closer, knowing that it may be the last time i hold them happy and smiling in my arms. I am more scared of "what-ifs".
So here i sit on the floor of my living next to my almost 4 month old playing on his mat. I watch my 2 year old dump toys everywhere. I can smell freshly baked banana bread and hear veggie tales playing in the background. I sit here waiting. Waiting for my husband to return home safe to me, waiting for the grief to subside a little bit more. I am not nearly as bad as i was that day over a year ago, holding my sons lifeless and oh so small body in my hands. i can breathe now. Sometimes those breaths are a little hard to take, but I survive.
I mean, I am only human. What other choice do i have?
I find myself sad. There is a part of me generally buried inside. I have suffered through losing a child. It is hard to explain such grief. Everyday, you wonder. What would he look like? Would he be happy? It eats at you, drags you down until there is nothing else you can focus on. You cant live fully because a piece of you has been ripped away.
I find that grief burns. Imagine a fire started in you heart that cannot be extinguished. It is always burning with slow intensity. It causes a damage that feels as if it will never heal. No matter how often you drown it with tears, it carries on, burning and leaving a path of destruction.
Many people try to pretend the grief isn't there as if they are ashamed to know someone with grief. People understand losing a parent. You grow up knowing that you will someday lose a parent. No one expects to lose a child. It takes the last of any innocence you had. It is often ignored, put aside as if people are afraid that your loss will stain them. Make them more susceptible to pain. It is hard for most to understand the pain. Unless you have lost a child, its incomprehensible.
I live. I have to living children to take care of. I take time to grieve when its needed but i cannot allow myself to wallow in grief because my children cannot suffer for something that cannot be changed. Sure i hold them a little closer, knowing that it may be the last time i hold them happy and smiling in my arms. I am more scared of "what-ifs".
So here i sit on the floor of my living next to my almost 4 month old playing on his mat. I watch my 2 year old dump toys everywhere. I can smell freshly baked banana bread and hear veggie tales playing in the background. I sit here waiting. Waiting for my husband to return home safe to me, waiting for the grief to subside a little bit more. I am not nearly as bad as i was that day over a year ago, holding my sons lifeless and oh so small body in my hands. i can breathe now. Sometimes those breaths are a little hard to take, but I survive.
I mean, I am only human. What other choice do i have?
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